Years ago when we were talking about retirement, my husband said he was going to retire when I did. In retrospect, I think he was trying to increase the amount of money needed for the retirement goal, so I would continue to work. And I did, for a while.
I told my dad, morosely, over the holidays, that I had come to the realization that my husband isn’t going to retire. Possibly ever. My dad laughed. He couldn’t believe that I’d ever thought my husband would. He calls my husband a workaholic.
What brought this realization on, is a conversation we had about some friends of ours. He owns his own business and his wife was a school teacher- until this year. She quit to work a few hours a week in his office. My husband was horrified by this decision, because teachers have amazing benefits, the most important of which (in case you are not from the U.S.) is inexpensive health insurance. The net effect is probably -$70,000 (or more) per year on their household income. They could hire the work he needs done for less than $10K per year.
I understand perfectly though. I tried to explain that if they could afford to do that, and wanted to, that there is nothing wrong with that decision. I asked if his friend’s mom was a homemaker, that they might both enjoy having her at home. “Yeah, his mom stayed at home”, he said, “and his dad too, practically.” My husband related that his friend’s dad had worked for a local company that had closed its doors. The company offered the dad a position at a plant in another state- OR an early retirement package. His friend had been in high school at the time, and had younger siblings.
“Can you believe” my husband said “That he took a reduced retirement instead of taking that job? And he was younger than ME.” Could I believe that the man didn’t uproot his family, including some teenagers, and move them two states away for a job he didn’t really need? Yes, I can.
My husband suddenly remembered who he was talking to- his 8 years younger, RETIRED wife. His mouth snapped shut and he grinned sheepishly. He didn’t say it, but I got the implication. Lazy. He even called me that once, though the resulting fight made it unlikely I’ll hear it again.
My husband is in the best of (I think) work situations. He’s a contract employee, which means if he has something that interferes with his work, (like vacation or fishing) he simply declines the contract. They pay him for completed work, and usually have some sort of time frame, but its flexible enough for him to fit family time or leisure time in. He doesn’t deal with corporate BS, or if he does, declines to work for that company again. We certainly don’t need the money, and he’s good at what he does, and very reliable. He gets more phone calls about available jobs than he has time to complete.
He actually loves work. He had actually not intended to be in town today. He was fishing until the weather turned bad, so he came home a day early. As soon as the rain stopped this morning, he put on his boots and trotted out the door to get some work done. My husband has a wonderful work ethic and I admire that about him. It makes me feel safe knowing he’s willing to work hard to make sure we are all warm, fed, and safe. Heck, he’s willing to work hard even if we don’t need him to.
I have decided that I don’t mind that he doesn’t want to retire. I’m perfectly happy puttering around the house (thank you COVID) or doing activities without him. We traveled a pretty fair amount before I retired, and he was always happy to go on those trips. I plan on traveling at least that much, and probably more when the world returns to normal. He’ll probably come, and if he doesn’t, that’s okay too. Since my business was helping people retire, I saw more than one marriage struggle with the transition to retirement. We haven’t had that.
My husband and I have a really good marriage. I still love being with him and think he’s the most interesting man on earth. We both have a pretty strong need to be alone, though. I have, at times during our marriage, looked at him and asked, “Don’t you want to go fishing/hunting this weekend?” He (fortunately) thinks this is pretty funny. I frequently disappear from the living room when my menfolk are watching loud action movies on TV and curl up in our room in a chair with a book.
Perhaps its best he doesn’t want to retire- if he did, we’d have to figure out how to give each other enough space. Does it bother me that he thinks I’m lazy for quitting my job? It probably would have 10 years ago. I no longer think that everyone, including my husband, has to think the way I do. I’m not willing to argue about it- you are welcome to your beliefs, whatever they are. I’ve discovered that arguing almost never changes anyone’s mind, and I hate arguing with my husband. I certainly don’t care enough to get another job!
I think the most difficult part of my early retirement so far has been figuring out how it works as a couple. I wanted to retire, I wanted to travel, I’d had enough of where we lived (we were expat workers), but Sally didn’t feel the same. This was a real challenge that we had to figure out, and something that I didn’t give enough consideration to in advance.
I don’t think you can figure out stuff like this in advance. I read somewhere that while you’re working you view retirement through the lens of working. When you actually become retired, everything will be different than you expected. That’s been true for me. I haven’t predicted my own reactions well, much less my husband’s, or the changes in our relationship. It’s turned out well anyway.
Agreed, that’s where the leap of faith comes in
I thought that the most interesting point was in the last paragraph that others need not have to think the way you do. By adopting exactly that, the last few months have been never been more peaceful at home and more importantly, in my mind!
A couple of years ago, I tried to stop arguing with people about dumb stuff. When I say something and someone disagrees, I just shrug and go on. Or when someone says something that I know is wrong, or that disagree with, I let it pass. People hate to be corrected. Sometimes I can’t help myself though. I’m still working on that.