FIRE and Family

A reader, who is in a similar situation, asked me to write about my kids and how they’ve been affected by my retiring early, and about how I handled home and career. I vowed not to write specifics about my kids, but I think I can do this without being too specific.

We’ve always talked to our kids a lot about money, and made sure to discuss financial issues in front of them. When I was thinking about retiring early, I explained to our kids that we’d been saving money for years, and we had enough that I didn’t have to work anymore. I wanted to stress to them that early retirement was a reward for years of working hard and being responsible. I don’t think they have a good idea of how much money is required to do such a thing, but they seemed to like the idea that I’d be around more.

Before I tell you how it’s different, I have to tell you what it was like before. I had it pretty good before I retired- I really did. I was in a job where I was in charge of my own schedule. I never had to ask for vacation (but I never got paid for it either) and when my work was finished, I could go- no time cards ever. My job paid extremely well, but it was stressful, and I didn’t have much time to myself.

There were many days that went something like this- Get up at 6, fix something for breakfast, clean up the kitchen (maybe) and think of something for dinner. Get the kids dressed and delivered to their schools on time. Get to work and begin my day. Use lunch hour to go grocery shopping or other household errands (prescriptions, dry cleaning, library, etc), back to work, and then head home at 4:30 or 5. Make something for dinner, help with homework or bring kids to whatever sports practice or whatever after school activity they’re in this week, clean up after dinner and collapse into bed. Some days I could manage a workout on the way home from work and before making dinner, but sometimes I couldn’t.

You will note that there is very little time in there for the usual household chores. I did laundry and dishes whenever I could fit them in. Dishes as I was stumbling to bed at night, to be unloaded after coffee, laundry started as soon as I woke up, to be tossed in the dryer before I walked out the door. Since I am confessing today, the laundry sometimes stayed in the dryer for DAYS until there was another load that needed to go in there. Also I have a cleaning lady who comes in every other week to do stuff like mopping and changing sheets. I will sweep the floor when I feel grit under my (usually bare) feet. I can delay mopping forever, and did until I hired someone.

There was zero time for “extra chores” like cleaning closets, cleaning out the fridge, or even cutting the dead leaves off of houseplants. I used to love when my mom came over because she would do things like trimming houseplants, or wiping down a dusty shelf. Now I can do those things myself.

My house is much cleaner than it has been since before I had kids. I don’t mind walking around the house in the mornings, collecting stray cups and shoes and putting things where they go. That happened about once a week (on Friday mornings) when I was working, as opposed to every morning now. The result was constant clutter, which I hated, but was too tired to fix. I resent the time I spend cleaning much less than I used to. In fact, I kind of like it, but don’t tell my husband.

After 17 years in my career I began taking Fridays off. It wasn’t until I did that that I realized how few weekends free of family chores I’d had over the years. Friday became my chore day. I was grateful for it, so that I could relax on the weekend like everybody else in my house. I know many other women spend every second of their “free time” on weekends catching up on chores and doing housework.

So here’s what’s different now. I can, and do, pick up my youngest child at school nearly every day. He hates riding the bus in the afternoons, and I don’t blame him. School buses are wonderfully convenient, but they don’t have air conditioning or seat belts or a lot of other conveniences. Where we live, late summer when school begins, and in the late spring when school ends, temps can be above 90 degrees on the bus. He got off the bus many days dripping with sweat. He rode them when he had to, but now I’m glad to pick him up, because I can.

The dinner menu has become more varied. I had a few meals that I served pretty often because they were quick and easy. Red beans and rice, pork loin roast, baked rosemary chicken and fries, ham steaks, quiche etc. Now I cook what I feel like cooking without considering the complexity of the recipe (I LIKE to cook) or how long it will take. I have time. Gumbo is delicious but takes forever. We’ll have it more often this winter. In fact, we’re having it tonight.

The kitchen is usually much cleaner, and I’ve started doing the dishes again. I used to assign that one to my kids, but I can’t find where they put things, and I don’t mind doing it now that I have time. They still do their own laundry, and do most of the outside maintenance. Our oldest son is bringing firewood in now.

I asked the kids what they think about retirement- my oldest said he thinks its awesome that I don’t have to work anymore and he wants to do that too. They also like that I’m around more. I’m more likely to say “yes” when they ask to go to a friend’s house or have a friend over. They didn’t say so, but I suspect I’m easier to get along with. I maintained a pretty rigid schedule and insisted that everyone stick to it. I had to; I didn’t have time to do things twice, or fit them into the schedule later. I’m much more relaxed about things now. This has probably improved my relationship with both of my boys- neither of whom likes to be told what to do. (I have no idea where they get THAT from)

I’m not a “normal” mom according to my kids. I didn’t cry when they went to kindergarten or got their first real haircut. I let them play in the rain and chop down trees, and make fires in the yard. I made them do chores and turn off the TV and go play outside. My sister was convinced for a while that I was trying to kill them with dangerous toys. (A real bow and arrow? A go-kart and a trampoline??). I didn’t volunteer at school and I don’t have scrap books of their baby years. I didn’t keep baby clothes and I haven’t done a picture album in longer than I care to think about. Honestly, some of that stuff I wouldn’t have done anyway, but some I would have liked to. It wasn’t an option- not enough time.

I wasn’t a good “baby” mom- I absolutely hated the stage where they couldn’t tell me what was wrong. I did pretty well through the elementary and middle school years. This teenager stuff has thrown me for a loop, though. I sort of knew that it would be more difficult, but I did not see the full scope of the problem.

The problem, in essence, is that teenagers think they are ready to be adults, and you have seen convincing evidence that they are not. They don’t want your help- you having never been a teenager yourself, could not possibly understand what they are going through. Watching them make mistakes has been torture, and teenager mistakes can change the course of their lives. I guess it’s how everyone learns, and I recall being a little hard-headed myself at that age…

Teenagers certainly require more patience than I had left after a difficult day at the office. I also find myself running interference between my husband and my boys, explaining to each of them why the other is acting that way. I’m not a peacemaker by nature, and this role is pretty difficult, especially because it requires tact and I don’t have any. I think I’m handling this better- certainly I’m less stressed about it than I would if I also had a full-time job. I tossed around the idea of working till they were old enough to leave for college or get a job, but ruled that out for a number of reasons. I love my sons and they won’t live at home much longer. Teenagers don’t say so, (in fact they usually say they opposite) but they need your time and attention, maybe even more than younger children.

When I was 20 years old, I wanted to go out and have a career and be successful (and drive a Jaguar, of course). I actually didn’t want kids at that point, and I didn’t have kids till after 30, when I was well established in my career. I don’t know what changed for me. Maybe I just checked the career thing off of my list. I achieved everything I wanted to in the career category, and we saved up enough money that I didn’t have to do it anymore. After 23 years, I didn’t want to do it anymore. What I wanted to do, starting several years ago, was spend more time on things that my job left me very little time for. While I was working, I was living my life at 100 miles per hour- I had to, in order to get everything done. Now I have time to enjoy my family and pursue some of my interests. Its been good.

This is the second “by request” post I’ve done- I enjoyed it, and along the way came up for ideas for two more posts. So if you have a request or an idea for a post, send it on in the contact form or in the comments!